I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
