I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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