The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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