i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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