Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
