Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
