I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
zippers are such a cool invention
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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