i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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