So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
