Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
