Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
