6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
