My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
