i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
