Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
