remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
