All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
