Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
