Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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