I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
