Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
