I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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