history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
