hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Couch. On fire.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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