After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
