I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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