what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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