high people should be assigned attendants
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.