One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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