What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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