then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
