saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
