I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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