i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
