Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
