found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
