you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
