Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
