He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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