Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
