There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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