textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Randomize
