My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap