i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run