Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
