Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
