If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
