Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
