it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
