The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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