You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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