i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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