Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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