it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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