I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
