1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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