why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
