I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize