I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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