remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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