My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
