I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
